Jewish Jokes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the fiancé.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in
the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for
two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” spoke the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty
years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that
he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,
and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is
a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late
the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?”
the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but
there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I
can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

“You see, THAT’S the way to wave a towel!”