Hilarious Jokes

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice.

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a whisky?”

He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, “Wow, that is fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some real fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can’t find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. “The poll tax,” he said.

“But the poll tax was repealed,” replied the commissioner. “Ay-ah,” declared the man, “that’s what I like about it.”