Dirty Jokes

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

“You see, THAT’S the way to wave a towel!”

The year is 2222, and a human couple are taking their first trip to Mars.

While there, they meet two Martians and the four of them get talking. They discuss the differences between Earth and Martian politics, technology, society – until finally the conversation turns to sex.

“Just how do you Martians do it?” asks the woman.

“Pretty much the way you do,” respond the Martian couple.

After a few drinks, the four of them decide to try out a wife swap and check into a Martian motel.

The human woman and the Martian male disappear into the first available room, and he strips instantly to reveal his teeny, weenie willy, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” sighs the woman. “It’s just not long enough.”

“No problem,” bleeps the Martian, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap, his willy grows another inch, until it’s really quite impressive.

“That’s definitely an improvement,” says the woman, “but it’s still pretty narrow…”

Immediately, the Martian starts pulling his ears. With each tug, his willy widens until he measures up nicely. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “that’s the biggest I’ve seen”. And they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples meet up with their partners and go their separate ways.

“How was it for you?” the man asks his wife.

“I hate to say it,” she replies, “but it was pretty mind-blowing. How about you?”

“Horrible,” he replies. “She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. “Honey,” she signed, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once.”

The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis… 50 times.”

What is the first symptom of AIDS?

- A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.